What we don't show...

We as parents I feel always try to show the positive side of parenting, regardless of what type of kiddos we have. We talk about all their successes, whether big or small, their growth, etc. What we don't talk about often is the struggles, and I feel in the neurodiverse world, it's because no one understands it and attributes it to "bad parenting" or "lack of discipline". Something I have to remind myself sometimes and especially others who work with my kiddo that are not attuned to the non-verbal autism world is that behaviors are a form of communication. For example, my husband was trying to get my youngest to sleep the other night. We have a set routine each evening and were in the middle of it, but my kiddo was just fighting sleep. Part of it I felt was he had his favorite toy "Clip-Clop", a horse with jingle feet that makes noise. Well, I took it away from him and initially he whined and was upset, but seemed to tolerate it okay. About a minute later, he cold-clocked my husband right in the nose, causing a bloody nose on my husband's part, my husband's frustration to go thru the roof, and me having to step in to help diffuse the situation. My kiddo was saying "I'm pissed!!!" but wasn't verbally able to speak his mind, so it came out as a behavior and with delayed processing in the mix, it was a delayed reaction. I feel like this is why I hide from the world and why I hesitate to take my kids anywhere unless we are prepared with back up. It's also why it takes hours for us to leave our house in preparation for any event because we try to plan for all the "what-if's". As the primary caregiver, my body is in constant fight, flight, or freeze mode, a state of constant worry, panic, and having to stay light on my feet to be prepared for the next possible thing. It's EXHAUSTING!!!! Brayden is a hitter, sometimes a bitter, and often a thrower. We are working through the behaviors with different tactics to communicate with us what it is he is feeling or trying to say with different modules of communication. That's the worst part of ASD or many other neurodiverse diagnoses: THEY'RE INVISIBLE. They're not visual to the naked eye or the person giving you the glare across the room because your son is hitting you after you took away something potentially dangerous. You can feel the heat from their stares, the whispers to their neighbors, the eyes that follow you from one spot to the next. The blame being placed on the parents for bad parenting skills, lack of discipline, or too much screen time. What they don't see is all the energy we parents put into ensuring our child is happy and safe. That often that is the ONLY goal we have for our children that we can anticipate and control. The bruises, the bloody noses, the stares, the cries in the shower at the end of the night, the sleepless nights, early mornings, the hibernation and isolation from fear of societal norms and stares, it's all to protect my kiddos and keep them safe.

It's these things that make me advocate harder and harder for my kids to be accepted and to be visible in the world today. They deserve every opportunity to partake and exist in our lives as much as any other human being. They're not stupid, slow, retarded, or any other derogatory name you want to throw at them. They're unique, smart, kind, sweet, talented, creative people who just think and see the world differently. It's all about acceptance and equality and adjusting what we think and do to meet their needs as an individual. While at this last conference I learned a lot about grassroots advocacy and I will continue to fight for my kids and other families as well because we all deserve the same thing: Love, Understanding, Patience, and Acceptance.

School has been out for a week now. It's been one week...and today I reached my breaking point. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my kids and every fiber of their being, but after being constantly talked at by my 6 year old who's favorite thing is to talk until my ears bleed, or ask why questions of things I cannot explain enough for him to not ask why anymore, my husband pretty much being absent at work and not getting home until late, and the housework piling up, today I lost it. My child had to be to therapy by 9am, and I did not sleep well last night so when my oldest woke up at 6am I was still exhausted. I made him breakfast and then sat down and rested for a bit to find motivation to get going. My youngest then woke up and the two of them were at it right away. I got both of them dressed and was in the kitchen working on packing my kiddo's bag for therapy (lunch, snacks, meds, etc), when he decided to feed our one fish. When I say feed our fish, I mean he took the entire brand new container of pellets and dumped them through a tiny hole in the top so most of it ended up around the fish tank and on the floor with a good chunk still making it in the fish tank.

He is one where you literally cannot turn your back for more than a SECOND or something will happen. Let's just say, mom lost it (cried, screamed, yelled) in the bathroom after she dropped the child off and we were almost an hour late to therapy. Let's just say Mom stopped at got coffee on the way home, is now baking cookies, and the living room has been vacuumed, the laundry started, the dishes done, and toys put away both inside and outside. All parents reach that point. It's not easy being any type of parent, let alone the primary parent to two neurodiverse kids. But I got this, and I just have to give myself grace. No one was hurt, nothing was broken, and no one was upset (except me). We made it to therapy and now my house is semi-clean and smells like fresh baked cookies. Just remember you're not alone. It's okay to have these moments of breakdown and exhaustion, you wouldn't be human if you didn't.